Fear leads to imperfections

Whew, first thing is first. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER will I ever log out of this blog account again. I cannot tell you all how long it took me to think of the email address I use for this account. Seriously, I was having a freak moment that my life was over. Thank heavens for my phone, which I stayed logged into the account on there and was able to retrieve my email address. I knew the password, but not the email. How ironic can you get?

Anyway, as far as life goes, it's pretty much sucks. I'm just worrying myself to death over everything. I don't understand what has sprung this fear in me, but whatever it is, its hit home pretty hard. My life is like a circus. I'm jumping around from place to place not knowing where I'm going to end up. I hate not knowing. The fear scares me and creeps up on me just as I think I've shoved down the last bit of feelings I have. I'm scared of life, of my future, of everything. I feel as if I can't carry on because I'm so lost inside. I'm literally dying on the inside. My mind is numb, my heart doesn't seem to be beating, and no blood rushes through me. My smile is forced and I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but what if this kills me before I am able to be strong?

Truth be told, I'm not sure what has come over me in the past few days. I'm just worried about everything. People take advantage of the help I offer to them. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm drowning in a sea of my own sorrow. I cannot come to terms with why I feel the way I do, I just simply do. People are worried. I can tell. They see right through the facade I put on every day. They know, but do not say a word, for they have been here too. The hollowness deep inside you, that leaves you feeling weak and unimportant. Your parents who are always there for you, just don't understand, but then again, why would they? To them, you are bright and shiny. You love yourself, and everything about you. You are wise beyond your years. You cannot tell them that you fear growing up, yet at the same time wish for it every day. They do not see the bags under your eyes that can be hidden so smoothly with concealer. They only see you. They don't see the imperfections. But you do. You see them everywhere you look. You're like a pro at finding them in everyone. Some who care, some who don't. But you care. More than anything. It eats at your core until you can't face it anymore. You hide it, because you know everyone is waiting for you to break. They see it, but never tell. You will not give them the greatest satisfaction of knowing that you have been defeated. You rise even though your knees are shaking. You feel light-headed and nauseated, yet you still stand tall. Some call it pure insanity, someone who strives to be perfect as you do. You call determination, to be the best you there possibly is, even though you always end up coming up short.