Boston in my heart.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of world we live in...And then the bombing at the Boston Marathon answers my question. I have yet to fully grasp the concept of why innocent people have to pay for another person's lack of sanity. I cannot imagine the pain...the anguish...the horror which captures the sorrow civilians worldwide must be experiencing. How do you watch as someone gets blown to pieces? How do you sleep comfortably at night knowing there is a parent without their child? How do you take the life of someone you don't even know? When is your stopping point? When the world is stripped of all its good? Who on earth ever told you that wounding innocent victims was something to be proud of? You have no soul, and I pity who you are. You see, you haven't made us weak; you've made us resilient to people like you. For every single corrupt person such as yourself, there are people who are good and pure. For every person planting a bomb, there are thousands more running a marathon. For every person who laughs at the dead or dying, you have thousands more donating blood, sending prayers, and volunteering their time. Horrific catastrophes such as this are the fault of single individuals, who make violence a loud statement. Our job, is to enable the statements of the good to be even louder.  

My sister came home this weekend in tears. Frustrated and saddened, she told my mom the story of how one of her professors at college had told her that she didn't have what it took to be a teacher. My sister took her "opinion" to heart and decided that she didn't want to teach anymore. It makes me wonder how many people have given up a dream because someone told them that they "couldn't do it". I don't understand how you could do that to someone. Tear them down inside, piece by piece, killing their hopes and ambitions. They way I see it, the people who tear others down are envious of the one in front of them. They think that since someone once tried to destroy them, it's okay to do it to others. They comfort themselves by saying that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", when really all it does is break you. Not everyone can bounce back from someone telling them that they don't have what it takes to do something.

ENRAGED

I don't understand where on earth you get the right to say that those people are going nowhere in life. Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure you've never met them, never talked to, and never been around them. I've never heard you be so judgmental. Who are you to tell me that they will end up as nothing? Just because they don't come from the same background that you do, doesn't make them any less of a human being you are. Not everyone has to be considered "smart" to go somewhere in life. Maybe their happy here, in Roxboro. That's not for you to decide. No, I don't think what he did was right, but that doesn't mean that everyone who is of his color is the same way. I've never thought of you as a racist, until now. Just because a person's color is decided for them does not mean that their future is. You have no idea what they are capable of, you just know what you see. You made a decision out of ignorance, rather than getting all the facts. You don't know fury until you see it in my eyes when you tell me that someone "can't" do something. They could go to college, whether it be a four year school, two year, or hell, even PCC. Just because they don't live up to your precious "four year college" doesn't mean that they won't do something with their lives. You went to a four year college, and where did you end up? Right back where you started, in Roxboro. I don't understand what divine law granted you with the power to decide the future of others. I don't know where on earth you got the idea that I wouldn't defend them when you brought it up in an argument. I don't understand where in hell you get the idea that my best friend is going to get pregnant before she gets out of high school. That boy is a faze, and every girl has one. Every girl is "needy" and has wants, but that doesn't mean their weak and insecure. It means someone broke them, and its not as though you can duck tape them back together. It's not that easy. Also, none of this has anything to do with me. I don't get why you yell at me when I'm on the right track. I understand where I'm suppose to go in life, and its as if all you see is the other people around me. It makes it so I never want to tell you anything. I don't trust you because you use everything I tell you against me when we argue. It's not fair for you make me feel like I'm in the wrong when you're talking about some of the best people I know. You might have said their color didn't matter, but I never heard you dare say a word about any white boy that "wasn't going anywhere in life". You know, they might not be going anywhere, but that's sure as hell not a decision for you to make or decide. YOU DON'T KNOW. You have no idea what they can do, and if you did I'm sure you would change your mind. You're just too simple-minded on the matter, and you know, that's okay. But instead of drying my tears like you should have, you made them stream down my face. Instead of seeing my side of the argument, you forced your views on me, but you forgot one thing, you raised me to not bow down easily. So excuse me if I don't live up to your perfect daughter expectation. I'm sorry if you feel like you "don't know me anymore", I'm beginning to feel the same way towards you.

Catching up

So I haven't blogged in a while. I guess its been a crazy couple of weeks for me. I'm not talking to the guy that I was "talking" to anymore. I told him I didn't have time to be dating anyone. It felt like the right decision, but I also feel bad, like everything I do ends up hurting someone. When I went to YLA, a certain person who I've had a huge crush on since the 6th grade finally noticed me. We spent that entire weekend together, and I felt like things were finally headed in the right direction. But I'm pretty sure I have no sense of direction seeing as he hasn't spoken to me since we got back to school. Not one text either. I don't know what to think besides the fact that he never really saw me. I was just a "fill-in" for what was to come. He doesn't know what he wants, and that's okay. The good news is, at YLA I was able to connect with my long-lost best friend, Emily. I forgot how much I missed talking to her. We started talking at YLA and it was like nothing ever happened between us. Sure, there are some dry spots, and we're no where near where we used to be. Somehow though, I'm okay with that too. I know she doesn't judge me on any decision I make, and it feels good to just talk to someone again.

I worry about one of my friends--if you can call her that anymore. One falling out leads to another I suppose. She's been distant, really distant. I wish I knew what was going on, because maybe there is something I can do for her. I think there's a lot I don't know, actually I know there is. She shuts herself up, and instead of letting in the light, the darkness surrounds her and buries her soul where no one can find it. She doesn't realize how intelligent she is. Or how bright her future is. Or how that one break-up shouldn't mean  hatred towards that one boy forever. I've learned that if you forgive people early on, the recovery process is much easier. Well, for me that is. I wish I knew how to let her know that she is something great, but I know that you can't make people believe in themselves. No matter how much support you show them, if they do not want to be of the darkness then they will stay there. People who don't ever see the bright side of things, never come out of the shadows.

Alone

I miss Emily. She would know what to do. She would know what I needed to hear. She would tell me what I needed to know. She would understand my feelings without me having to explain them. I miss her being able to read my mind and the fact that she never said anything to me when I was upset. We clicked and bonded together. I don't understand why everything has to be so complicated. I don't understand why for once in my life I can't be satisfied. Like, is it so hard to just appreciate what you have? Obviously for me it is. I'm surrounded by a group of people who love me but all I can do is push them away. I don't want anyone near me. I miss everything that I know I'll never get back.

Starlight

Stars. They are most pretty. Bright and shinning in the sky every night. When I was a little girl, I had glow-in the dark stars on my ceiling. They weren't as powerful as the real ones, but I loved them just the same. I have four of those stars left. They are taped to the ceiling above my door. I miss those stars. They showed me light, and gave me something to look at when I drifted off to sleep at night. I wonder what it would be like to be a star? To know you gave off that amount of light, that you shone so bright in the night sky. Whenever a child looked up and made a wish on a star, they'd be wishing on you, because you're the prettiest. You'd get to see the world from above. Far more importantly, you would get to shine light on the darkness. The darkness wouldn't be so bad if you shown every night, leading every misunderstood or misguided soul to the light so the darkness couldn't claim them. So they could not know the pain that darkness causes when it enters a person's body. It doesn't show on the outside. Only you know it's there. I would save people from the pain. The pain of the darkness. I would fill them light, and let them feel bright in their own way. I would make sure every confused person knew the route to take. I would be there Northern Star; I would light the way.

Fear leads to imperfections

Whew, first thing is first. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER will I ever log out of this blog account again. I cannot tell you all how long it took me to think of the email address I use for this account. Seriously, I was having a freak moment that my life was over. Thank heavens for my phone, which I stayed logged into the account on there and was able to retrieve my email address. I knew the password, but not the email. How ironic can you get?

Anyway, as far as life goes, it's pretty much sucks. I'm just worrying myself to death over everything. I don't understand what has sprung this fear in me, but whatever it is, its hit home pretty hard. My life is like a circus. I'm jumping around from place to place not knowing where I'm going to end up. I hate not knowing. The fear scares me and creeps up on me just as I think I've shoved down the last bit of feelings I have. I'm scared of life, of my future, of everything. I feel as if I can't carry on because I'm so lost inside. I'm literally dying on the inside. My mind is numb, my heart doesn't seem to be beating, and no blood rushes through me. My smile is forced and I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but what if this kills me before I am able to be strong?

Truth be told, I'm not sure what has come over me in the past few days. I'm just worried about everything. People take advantage of the help I offer to them. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm drowning in a sea of my own sorrow. I cannot come to terms with why I feel the way I do, I just simply do. People are worried. I can tell. They see right through the facade I put on every day. They know, but do not say a word, for they have been here too. The hollowness deep inside you, that leaves you feeling weak and unimportant. Your parents who are always there for you, just don't understand, but then again, why would they? To them, you are bright and shiny. You love yourself, and everything about you. You are wise beyond your years. You cannot tell them that you fear growing up, yet at the same time wish for it every day. They do not see the bags under your eyes that can be hidden so smoothly with concealer. They only see you. They don't see the imperfections. But you do. You see them everywhere you look. You're like a pro at finding them in everyone. Some who care, some who don't. But you care. More than anything. It eats at your core until you can't face it anymore. You hide it, because you know everyone is waiting for you to break. They see it, but never tell. You will not give them the greatest satisfaction of knowing that you have been defeated. You rise even though your knees are shaking. You feel light-headed and nauseated, yet you still stand tall. Some call it pure insanity, someone who strives to be perfect as you do. You call determination, to be the best you there possibly is, even though you always end up coming up short.